So many thoughts going on in my head right now about how my life has changed so dramatically in the past coupe of years. Two years ago, I was ready to take any and all measures to ensure that I have a child. I was contemplating a lap band procedure, and taking several medications and supplements. I was renting a loft space in my brother's house and spending hour upon hour in my classroom. I was going on 5 years of being sexually inactive.
I'm pleased with my evolution, as I am now able to accept that I may never have a child; I am eating healthier, off all of the medications and supplements I was taking, and I have a trainer that motivates me the way no one ever could; I am a homeowner; I spend way fewer hours tied up in my classroom; And I am 'back in the saddle' when it comes to men. Although I don't sleep with all of the men in my life, I have very healthy, adult relationships with a few great guys.
I just spent the last 2 hours on the phone with my 'stalker' friend--that just makes me smile now. I must say that aside from his 'whiteness', he seems like a perfect partner for me. The fact that he is independently wealthy, has liberal views, is sensitive, feels the need to fight social injustices, despises racism of any kind, is athletic, AND has a sense of humor is vanilla frosting on the cake. Tonight, he asked me what I was wearing. I told him the truth--'a night shirt'. Then he asked what I was wearing under the night shirt and, again, I told him the truth--'nothing constricting'. He stopped me and said, "I'm a guy. Don't use words like constricting." Then we laughed... a lot.
He proceeded to tell me that he would LOVE to lay naked next to me. Not have sex or anything, just lay with his arms hugging me, hands on my breasts, while kissing the back of my neck. He said he would LOVE to just look at me--laying naked in bed. Said he could just do that for hours. He would LOVE to sit and watch a movie with me--any movie, and hold hands the whole time. He'd LOVE to massage my neck and shoulders after a long day's work. And even though he doesn't smoke weed, he said he'd make sure I had a little bit every night when I got home from work to help with the day's stress. Then we laughed... a lot.
Then his tone changed. He said, "God, who are you?" as if no other woman had my endearing qualities, and he proceeded to tell me how smart, and funny, and gorgeous, and caring I was. I honestly almost cried. I realized that his phone calls and texts to me have been little bits of affection and respect for ME. He is asking for nothing from me, but willing to give of himself because he SEES me. He sees the person I have ALWAYS been. It is something that no other man has been able to see in me--or maybe they have, but for whatever reason, couldn't tell me. My first love, has come closest, but even he was not as bold as this man.
Although I haven't seen him since high school (and even then, I didn't really know him), and even though he lives almost 2,000 miles away, I feel a bond of sorts with him. I feel like he gets me--SEES ME.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
European Memories
~While cleaning out her garage, my mother came across several of my college texts and a few of my personal journals from back in the day. One in particular caught her attention. It was a travel journal that I wrote while my mom and I took our first overseas trip together. It was my second to Europe and her first. She first raved about how well written it was and how it evoked memories that she had long since forgotten. "THIS is why I wish I could write like you!" she said. "I had completely forgotten about half of the things we did, and your words brought the memories to life, Mija!" Then she followed with, "Take it home and read it, then bring it back to me so I can take it with me to China next month. I'd like to attempt writing my own entries to preserve the trip in my memory." Then she handed it over to me. I read it over the weekend, and aside from a few misspelled words here and there, I must say that even I, the author discovered some memories that I had long forgotten as well! And so for my own memories' sake and any future ancestor's curiosities, here is the edited e-version of that wonderful trip of trips:
10-4-98 (Day 1) En route to France
The excitement of venturing to foreign lands is overwhelming! So, with style, we headed to LAX in 2 stretch limousines (one just for our luggage!). The champaign we had en rout got to our heads, but it only built up our excitement. It is especially exciting for Mom, who has never touched foreign soil. (unless you count Mexico, but that really isn't foreign to my family)
I had a similar excitement when visiting Portugal almost 15 years ago, however, this is a bit more exciting, since I'll have more freedom.
10-5-98 (Day 2) Paris, France
So far, the city has exceeded my expectations. In just the few hours since arriving, I've absorbed a lot of the historical and cultural richness... Our hotel, "Hotel Regina", is a century old. At the cafe across the street, I got my first taste of French fromage and soup 'a l'olgnon. Across our side street (in all it's splendor) is the Musee de Louvre and the Jardin de Tuileries. Our evening walk took us through the Tuileries to the bank of the Seine. There, I had my first glimpse of the Tour Eiffel and the Arc de Triomphe Etoile.
The French Quarters of New Orleans is the closest comparison to the streets of Paris that I have seen in the U.S., but even the Big Easy pales in comparison to the sights, sounds, and smells of the real French quarters of Paris.
10-6-98 (Day 3) Paris
Today we conquered the city's Metro system. We passed with ease through the Paris underground, arriving safely at our destination: the Galleries Lafayette. We each had things to shop for; my priority was French cosmetics--I found what was needed, and was content with that.
Also, today we took a tram to Montmartre and visited the Sacre-Coeur or Sacred-Heart Cathedral. We lit candles for Dad, Grandma, and Aunt Esther.
For the most part, our meals (breakfast and dinner) were had at the Hotel Regina. Both meals exceeded our expectations. I've never had a better croissant or mousse au chocolat.
10-7-98 (Day 4) Paris
Today was spent at the Musse du Louvre. Of course, there was no way to see all of the art pieces in just one day, but I saw those that were most important to me: the Mona Lisa, the statue of Venis de Milo and the Winged Victory. The Egyptian, Roman, and Greek art was very intriguing as well. I would have loved to see the 18th and 19th century paintings, but time did not permit.
We changed hotels to Novatel, right near Les Halles. We took a very short walk to the Church of St. Eustache, which is the 2nd oldest cathedral in Paris. Again, I lit a candle for Dad, Grandma and Aunt Esther.
Later our tour group joined with us for dinner and an illumination tour of the city.
10-8-98 (Day 5) Paris
Our day began with a Tour of Notre-Dame Cathedral. Candles were lit for Dad, Grandma & Aunt Esther at the alter of St. Joan of Arc, and for grandpa at Our Lady of Guadalupe in the cathedral. This is on City Island in Paris.
It began to rain, but not enough for us to see the Gargoyles spit out water. Later, it was a tour of the Eiffel Tower. I would have liked to climb higher, but weather and time only permitted us to the first level. The afternoon took us to the famed home of Louie XIV--Versailles. The gardens alone had me in awe! (On the way back to the Hotel Novatel, we drove through the tunnel where Lady Di was killed last year...)
After feeling ill all day, I got by on a bowl of 'a l'oignon and water. Even this was a filling meal!
10-9-98 (Day 6) Paris
Our last day in Paris. The others went off to view the wine country. I would have liked to as well, if my stomach agreed with me. Also, I had not had my thyroid medication in 5 days, which took most of my energy away. I should be well-rested and ready for Lucerne, Switzerland tomorrow, and Venice, Florence, and Rome, Italy in the days to come.
On this day alone, I've thought about venturing out (I would have liked to visit the Musse de Orsay), but after being approached by a Frenchman at the Galleries Les Halles, I thought better of it. Instead, I had McDonald's in the hotel room, wrote post cards, this journal entry, and read from my book. Perhaps I'll have the courage to go out tonight.
For now, just watching the city life pass by will do. Hearing horns beeping and sirens blaring... bells tolling...
10-10-98 (Day 7) en route to Lucerne, Switzerland
Today we made our way through Paris' underground freeways and Burgundy country roads. The landscape was phenomenal, especially once we crossed the Rhine River into Switzerland via Basle. The scene was straight out of "Heidi"! Rolling green hills, the Black Forest that was the fairy-tale home of Hansel and Grettle, and the Swiss Alpine mountains were breathtaking.
Lucerne was very still and quiet as we rode into town about dinner time. The lake and mountains were very peaceful. Here, at the Royal Hotel, we were blessed with a lake-view room and balcony. Mom and I stood on the balcony in awe of this beautiful country scene. Tomorrow we will conquer Mt. Pilatus by cogwheel train and ride the gondolas back down the other side.
10-11-98 (Day 8) Lucerne
The Lyon Monument, carved in stone was our morning highlight. Mark Twain was right when he said, "It is the most moving piece of stone I have ever seen." It was something inspiring, that stirred emotions. It was carved by a man called Thorwaldsen, in honor of Swiss guards who died protecting King Louis the XVI of France. The covered wooden bridge was just as beautiful. It linked both sides of the river.
Today's highlight was climbing Mt. Pilatus on the world's steepest cogwheel train. It took a while to climb this Alpine mountain, and just as long to descend on the other side in gondolas. The views up and down were spectacular, but the summit (where we had lunch) was covered in clouds--and extremely cold! After our return, we shopped for souvenirs and ate a wonderful gourmet dinner just down from our hotel.
10-12-98 (Day 9) Venizia, Italia
The morning was gorgeous as we left Lucern on our voyage through the narrow, winding road over the Alps. Again, the views were unmatched. Snow covered the summit, where we stopped for Swiss Cocoa and pictures. We left one side of the Alps, where German was used, and crossed to the Italian side. Gotthard Pass was the summit and transition from German Switzerland to Italian Switzerland. (Very different--the men were much better looking on the Italian side!)
Country highways brought us through northern Italy, past Verona (home to Juliet Capulet) and then past Montegue (famed home of Romeo). Our Venitian hotel is still 20 miles from Venice and the Adriatic Sea, but it is a very nice one. Our dinner was wonderful (lasagna, perch & potatoes) and tomorrow we will ride the gondolas through the canals of Venice!
10-13-98 (Day 10) Venice
The only way to describe Venizia (Venice), Italy, is unbelievable! We took a private boat to the main island (of 140 islets), where we toured an 11th century palace, St. Mark's Cathedral, and the Murano Glass Company. St. Mark's Square was enormous! We crossed over the Bridge of Sighs from the Doge's palace to a 12th century prison. For lunch, we dined on a sidewalk patio (which incidentally, you have to pay extra for!)
Our most memorable conquest of the day was our ride on the gondola, through the canals of Venice. It was as romantic as it was expected to be. The gondolier was handsome, and pointed out the home of Wolfgang Amadeas Motzart's mistress. We were also serenaded by passing gondoliers.
At night, we returned to the island for a wonderful dinner and were again serenaded. Afterwards, we walked through St. Mark's Square, listening to live music, and enjoying the starry, cool evening. Our most memorable evening yet...
10-14-98 (Day 11) Firenze, Italia (Florence)
Michaelangelo's David was first on our agenda for the day. we visited the famed statue at the Art Academy in Florence. We ventured into St. John's Basilica, and religious square, as well as the political square where "David" once stood. We also lit candles in Santa Crocha Cathederal where Michaelangelo, Galileo, and other famed Italians are laid to rest. We shopped in an Italian leather shop for a bit.
Our night before was spent traveling, so our day was short in order to rest for Pisa tomorrow.
Last night's trip was uneventful, except for climbing over the Appenine Mountain range (famous for it's marble).
10-15-98 (Day 12) Florence
Today we wound our way to the city of Pisa. We beheld the famed Leaning Tower of Pisa (the most photographed monument in the world) in amazement. At the Square of Miracles, we bought J.J. a Pinocchio doll.
At last night's dinner, our young waiter, Alex flirted with me a bit, so I asked him to send me a Hard Rock Cafe Florence shirt. He agreed to do so, as long as I sent him one from L.A.--to which I agreed.
On the way back from Pisa, I jotted down my address for him with a post script complementing his "cute" smile and good sense of humor. We shall see what happens...
The rest of the day will be on the road traveling to "the Eternal City" of Rome.
10-16-98 (Day 13) Roma, Italia
Here we are in this ancient city, which dates back thousands of years before Christ, even. We crossed Tuscany country and over the Tiber River to behold our home for the next 3 days. We got a nice view of the Olympic town that Mussolini built in the late 1920's & early 1930's--awesome!
Our hotel is wonderful. Its right across from the city's largest city park.
At night, we had dinner at a restaurant in town. The food was excellent--5 courses. There was musical entertainment, and there was Umberto (our waiter). He singled out a few women (myself included) and gave us a rose, a kiss and a pinch on the behind. At a point in the entertainment, the room goes dark (lights go off) and the waiter makes his way to his 'victim' (me). Then, when the lights go on, he plants a kiss (on the lips) of the unsuspecting bella (me) and hand's them a rose before pinching their behind. Fortunately, Umberto was cute & charming! After dinner, we visited the Trevi Fountain and tossed our 2 coins in. The first for our safe return to Roma, and the second for a wish.
10-17-98 (Day 14) Rome
Today we would have started out at St. Peter's Basilica and St. Peter's Square in the Vatican, but the Pope had other plans and we weren't even allowed to enter the square. Thousands of Poles were visiting the Pope to celebrate his 20th year in the Vatican.
Instead, we toured the Vatican Museum, Sistine Chapel, St. Paul's Cathedral, St. Paul's gift shop (all in Vatican City); and then the Coliseum (took our Globus group picture there), Circus Maximus, the Roman Baths, the Catacombs, ancient city streets, and Castel Gandalfo the Pope's summer home on Lake Albano--just outside of Rome. Our dinner was in the quaint southern town of Lazio.
Our day was packed with fun and laughter. I spent all my time at the Sistine Chapel, just looking at Michaelangelo's very last panel--"The Judgement". I was absolutely awestruck... Tomorrow we journey to Pompeii.
10-18-98 (Day 15) Naples, Italy
On this day (our final day of the tour), we traveled down to Naples. We spent the day touring Pompeii. It was an unbelievable sight to behold. The preservation of the city--including some of it's occupants was amazing. These people were very ingenious for their time.
We got back into Rome in time for our farewell dinner. The food was great and the entertainment matched. Mom was serenaded, and the daughter of one of the musicians sang "Ave Maria". The most beautiful Soprano that I have ever heard, was this young lady's. After dinner, we stopped to take pictures in front of St. Peter's Basilica at night. It was a gorgeous evening, and it was our last bit of Roma, before starting for home tomorrow...
10-19-98 (Day 16) Rome--L.A.
I don't want to go! I need another week! Our plane leaves this evening, so we're heading out this afternoon from our hotel. Hopefully, there'll be more shopping at the airport!
I look forward to Margaret's food and, well, Mexican food in general. But I wouldn't say I'm sick of Italian food. And I already look forward to my happy return!
At least I've got tomorrow off, so that I can catch up on the sleep I'll miss over this 11 & 1/2 hour flight!
10-4-98 (Day 1) En route to France
The excitement of venturing to foreign lands is overwhelming! So, with style, we headed to LAX in 2 stretch limousines (one just for our luggage!). The champaign we had en rout got to our heads, but it only built up our excitement. It is especially exciting for Mom, who has never touched foreign soil. (unless you count Mexico, but that really isn't foreign to my family)
I had a similar excitement when visiting Portugal almost 15 years ago, however, this is a bit more exciting, since I'll have more freedom.
10-5-98 (Day 2) Paris, France
So far, the city has exceeded my expectations. In just the few hours since arriving, I've absorbed a lot of the historical and cultural richness... Our hotel, "Hotel Regina", is a century old. At the cafe across the street, I got my first taste of French fromage and soup 'a l'olgnon. Across our side street (in all it's splendor) is the Musee de Louvre and the Jardin de Tuileries. Our evening walk took us through the Tuileries to the bank of the Seine. There, I had my first glimpse of the Tour Eiffel and the Arc de Triomphe Etoile.
The French Quarters of New Orleans is the closest comparison to the streets of Paris that I have seen in the U.S., but even the Big Easy pales in comparison to the sights, sounds, and smells of the real French quarters of Paris.
10-6-98 (Day 3) Paris
Today we conquered the city's Metro system. We passed with ease through the Paris underground, arriving safely at our destination: the Galleries Lafayette. We each had things to shop for; my priority was French cosmetics--I found what was needed, and was content with that.
Also, today we took a tram to Montmartre and visited the Sacre-Coeur or Sacred-Heart Cathedral. We lit candles for Dad, Grandma, and Aunt Esther.
For the most part, our meals (breakfast and dinner) were had at the Hotel Regina. Both meals exceeded our expectations. I've never had a better croissant or mousse au chocolat.
10-7-98 (Day 4) Paris
Today was spent at the Musse du Louvre. Of course, there was no way to see all of the art pieces in just one day, but I saw those that were most important to me: the Mona Lisa, the statue of Venis de Milo and the Winged Victory. The Egyptian, Roman, and Greek art was very intriguing as well. I would have loved to see the 18th and 19th century paintings, but time did not permit.
We changed hotels to Novatel, right near Les Halles. We took a very short walk to the Church of St. Eustache, which is the 2nd oldest cathedral in Paris. Again, I lit a candle for Dad, Grandma and Aunt Esther.
Later our tour group joined with us for dinner and an illumination tour of the city.
10-8-98 (Day 5) Paris
Our day began with a Tour of Notre-Dame Cathedral. Candles were lit for Dad, Grandma & Aunt Esther at the alter of St. Joan of Arc, and for grandpa at Our Lady of Guadalupe in the cathedral. This is on City Island in Paris.
It began to rain, but not enough for us to see the Gargoyles spit out water. Later, it was a tour of the Eiffel Tower. I would have liked to climb higher, but weather and time only permitted us to the first level. The afternoon took us to the famed home of Louie XIV--Versailles. The gardens alone had me in awe! (On the way back to the Hotel Novatel, we drove through the tunnel where Lady Di was killed last year...)
After feeling ill all day, I got by on a bowl of 'a l'oignon and water. Even this was a filling meal!
10-9-98 (Day 6) Paris
Our last day in Paris. The others went off to view the wine country. I would have liked to as well, if my stomach agreed with me. Also, I had not had my thyroid medication in 5 days, which took most of my energy away. I should be well-rested and ready for Lucerne, Switzerland tomorrow, and Venice, Florence, and Rome, Italy in the days to come.
On this day alone, I've thought about venturing out (I would have liked to visit the Musse de Orsay), but after being approached by a Frenchman at the Galleries Les Halles, I thought better of it. Instead, I had McDonald's in the hotel room, wrote post cards, this journal entry, and read from my book. Perhaps I'll have the courage to go out tonight.
For now, just watching the city life pass by will do. Hearing horns beeping and sirens blaring... bells tolling...
10-10-98 (Day 7) en route to Lucerne, Switzerland
Today we made our way through Paris' underground freeways and Burgundy country roads. The landscape was phenomenal, especially once we crossed the Rhine River into Switzerland via Basle. The scene was straight out of "Heidi"! Rolling green hills, the Black Forest that was the fairy-tale home of Hansel and Grettle, and the Swiss Alpine mountains were breathtaking.
Lucerne was very still and quiet as we rode into town about dinner time. The lake and mountains were very peaceful. Here, at the Royal Hotel, we were blessed with a lake-view room and balcony. Mom and I stood on the balcony in awe of this beautiful country scene. Tomorrow we will conquer Mt. Pilatus by cogwheel train and ride the gondolas back down the other side.
10-11-98 (Day 8) Lucerne
The Lyon Monument, carved in stone was our morning highlight. Mark Twain was right when he said, "It is the most moving piece of stone I have ever seen." It was something inspiring, that stirred emotions. It was carved by a man called Thorwaldsen, in honor of Swiss guards who died protecting King Louis the XVI of France. The covered wooden bridge was just as beautiful. It linked both sides of the river.
Today's highlight was climbing Mt. Pilatus on the world's steepest cogwheel train. It took a while to climb this Alpine mountain, and just as long to descend on the other side in gondolas. The views up and down were spectacular, but the summit (where we had lunch) was covered in clouds--and extremely cold! After our return, we shopped for souvenirs and ate a wonderful gourmet dinner just down from our hotel.
10-12-98 (Day 9) Venizia, Italia
The morning was gorgeous as we left Lucern on our voyage through the narrow, winding road over the Alps. Again, the views were unmatched. Snow covered the summit, where we stopped for Swiss Cocoa and pictures. We left one side of the Alps, where German was used, and crossed to the Italian side. Gotthard Pass was the summit and transition from German Switzerland to Italian Switzerland. (Very different--the men were much better looking on the Italian side!)
Country highways brought us through northern Italy, past Verona (home to Juliet Capulet) and then past Montegue (famed home of Romeo). Our Venitian hotel is still 20 miles from Venice and the Adriatic Sea, but it is a very nice one. Our dinner was wonderful (lasagna, perch & potatoes) and tomorrow we will ride the gondolas through the canals of Venice!
10-13-98 (Day 10) Venice
The only way to describe Venizia (Venice), Italy, is unbelievable! We took a private boat to the main island (of 140 islets), where we toured an 11th century palace, St. Mark's Cathedral, and the Murano Glass Company. St. Mark's Square was enormous! We crossed over the Bridge of Sighs from the Doge's palace to a 12th century prison. For lunch, we dined on a sidewalk patio (which incidentally, you have to pay extra for!)
Our most memorable conquest of the day was our ride on the gondola, through the canals of Venice. It was as romantic as it was expected to be. The gondolier was handsome, and pointed out the home of Wolfgang Amadeas Motzart's mistress. We were also serenaded by passing gondoliers.
At night, we returned to the island for a wonderful dinner and were again serenaded. Afterwards, we walked through St. Mark's Square, listening to live music, and enjoying the starry, cool evening. Our most memorable evening yet...
10-14-98 (Day 11) Firenze, Italia (Florence)
Michaelangelo's David was first on our agenda for the day. we visited the famed statue at the Art Academy in Florence. We ventured into St. John's Basilica, and religious square, as well as the political square where "David" once stood. We also lit candles in Santa Crocha Cathederal where Michaelangelo, Galileo, and other famed Italians are laid to rest. We shopped in an Italian leather shop for a bit.
Our night before was spent traveling, so our day was short in order to rest for Pisa tomorrow.
Last night's trip was uneventful, except for climbing over the Appenine Mountain range (famous for it's marble).
10-15-98 (Day 12) Florence
Today we wound our way to the city of Pisa. We beheld the famed Leaning Tower of Pisa (the most photographed monument in the world) in amazement. At the Square of Miracles, we bought J.J. a Pinocchio doll.
At last night's dinner, our young waiter, Alex flirted with me a bit, so I asked him to send me a Hard Rock Cafe Florence shirt. He agreed to do so, as long as I sent him one from L.A.--to which I agreed.
On the way back from Pisa, I jotted down my address for him with a post script complementing his "cute" smile and good sense of humor. We shall see what happens...
The rest of the day will be on the road traveling to "the Eternal City" of Rome.
10-16-98 (Day 13) Roma, Italia
Here we are in this ancient city, which dates back thousands of years before Christ, even. We crossed Tuscany country and over the Tiber River to behold our home for the next 3 days. We got a nice view of the Olympic town that Mussolini built in the late 1920's & early 1930's--awesome!
Our hotel is wonderful. Its right across from the city's largest city park.
At night, we had dinner at a restaurant in town. The food was excellent--5 courses. There was musical entertainment, and there was Umberto (our waiter). He singled out a few women (myself included) and gave us a rose, a kiss and a pinch on the behind. At a point in the entertainment, the room goes dark (lights go off) and the waiter makes his way to his 'victim' (me). Then, when the lights go on, he plants a kiss (on the lips) of the unsuspecting bella (me) and hand's them a rose before pinching their behind. Fortunately, Umberto was cute & charming! After dinner, we visited the Trevi Fountain and tossed our 2 coins in. The first for our safe return to Roma, and the second for a wish.
10-17-98 (Day 14) Rome
Today we would have started out at St. Peter's Basilica and St. Peter's Square in the Vatican, but the Pope had other plans and we weren't even allowed to enter the square. Thousands of Poles were visiting the Pope to celebrate his 20th year in the Vatican.
Instead, we toured the Vatican Museum, Sistine Chapel, St. Paul's Cathedral, St. Paul's gift shop (all in Vatican City); and then the Coliseum (took our Globus group picture there), Circus Maximus, the Roman Baths, the Catacombs, ancient city streets, and Castel Gandalfo the Pope's summer home on Lake Albano--just outside of Rome. Our dinner was in the quaint southern town of Lazio.
Our day was packed with fun and laughter. I spent all my time at the Sistine Chapel, just looking at Michaelangelo's very last panel--"The Judgement". I was absolutely awestruck... Tomorrow we journey to Pompeii.
10-18-98 (Day 15) Naples, Italy
On this day (our final day of the tour), we traveled down to Naples. We spent the day touring Pompeii. It was an unbelievable sight to behold. The preservation of the city--including some of it's occupants was amazing. These people were very ingenious for their time.
We got back into Rome in time for our farewell dinner. The food was great and the entertainment matched. Mom was serenaded, and the daughter of one of the musicians sang "Ave Maria". The most beautiful Soprano that I have ever heard, was this young lady's. After dinner, we stopped to take pictures in front of St. Peter's Basilica at night. It was a gorgeous evening, and it was our last bit of Roma, before starting for home tomorrow...
10-19-98 (Day 16) Rome--L.A.
I don't want to go! I need another week! Our plane leaves this evening, so we're heading out this afternoon from our hotel. Hopefully, there'll be more shopping at the airport!
I look forward to Margaret's food and, well, Mexican food in general. But I wouldn't say I'm sick of Italian food. And I already look forward to my happy return!
At least I've got tomorrow off, so that I can catch up on the sleep I'll miss over this 11 & 1/2 hour flight!
Monday, January 9, 2012
A Final Breath...
Just finished watching the latest episode of "Grey's Anatomy" on my DVR. One of the story lines particularly struck a chord with me. A young girl, barely 18 had to decide whether or not to take her father off of life support. It reminded me that my brother & I had to make a similar decision regarding my dad. A decision that is so difficult to reflect on. But one that needs to be brought to light. Funny thing is, for as much as I use writing as therapy, I don't think I have ever written about that night...
Just 24 hours prior to his passing, our family was elated and celebrating the fact that Dad was going to get his lung. It happened! The little black pager that had been so closely and carefully guarded (batteries frequently checked) finally sounded--and it was not a drill! This was just days after Dad made the decision to come home to die. Almost a year had gone by and no donors in sight. That beautiful buzzing sound was such music to our deprived ears. We couldn't help but dance a happy dance to it! Immediately, we contacted the surgical transplant team and my dad was transported to the hospital he had just checked out of, but this time it was for a helicopter ride to UCLA.
Immediately, the phone & prayer tree began. I called cousins Tim & Amy, who had earlier volunteered to inform the family. Now when I speak of family, I'm talking a HUGE percentage of the tiny towns we grew up in. And let's not forget the ones in various states across the country. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins--all who knew and loved my Dad in some capacity. We drove the seemingly endless rout discussing all of the wonderful things we were going to do with Dad, once the surgery was done and he had time to recover. We recalled how in recent months, some of his close friends would joke with him about taking out vagrants on the street in hopes that they would be suitable donors. And how when cousin Amy's sister and niece were killed in a car accident, the family had the grace to request that they be considered as possible donors for my dad. They, sadly, were not compatible donors for him, but were able to help other families.
Once we got to UCLA, we were given VIP treatment. We had our very own waiting room and my mom was whisked away to see my dad as he was prepped for the surgery. After waiting for some time, a nurse came to get the family members there (me, my brothers & sisters & grandparents) one at a time to say goodbye and wish him luck before the surgery. I was called in first. But when I walked in, I immediately noticed a heaviness in the air and a sense of dread. Instead of seeing my mom's smiling face, I saw her in tears. She somehow found the courage to tell me that the 'donor's lung' wasn't accepted and that there would be no surgery. It still echos in my head... '... there will be no surgery'.
Nothing could be more sobering than to realize in that moment, that Dad was not going to make it. Doctor's had already told him that he was lucky to have made it this far. I reluctantly returned to the waiting room, where I assumed the staff had informed the family about the situation. When it was apparent they had not been informed, I asked my cousin (also one of my dad's closest friends) if she would please help me tell my family (she was a registered nurse and had a way with soothing people). Suddenly our happy tears turned into distraught sobs. Another family in the room (also waiting to see a loved one) quietly left the room to give our family privacy to grieve. The ride home that night was a tearful reflection of our years spent with our father.
Mom stayed the night with my dad and rode home with him the next morning. I learned later from her, that she and my dad had a long discussion and reflection and barely slept. They professed their love for each other. My dad expressed that he was sorry that he rarely spent time at family gatherings. He reflected on the surprise 50th birthday fundraiser party we gave him and how much fun he'd had. He told her that he wished he'd been present more often because our family had so many happy times at those parties. "When I'm gone, I want you guys to have a party for me every year. Like the one for my 50th. I'll be with you there." He also told my mom that the person's face that he wanted to see most when he got to heaven, was her mom. She was such a wonderful, loving, saintly woman.
My sisters and I tried to make his room as comfy for him as we could. The medical suppliers left oxygen for my dad, but we could tell it wasn't going to be nearly enough. They had left 3 and he was accustomed to 6, so we had to straiten that up by calling the local fire department to transport more in. (they knew my dad's situation with the oxygen and had an emergency plan just for accommodating him in the event of a natural disaster) Once he arrived home, he began to panic. There wasn't enough oxygen, there weren't enough meds, there wasn't enough time...
He decided he didn't want my grandmother present when he died, only my mom and us kids (and his best friend Paul and his wife (my dad's close cousin--the RN). It was a long, long night. After calling the local pharmacist at home (around midnight) to please fill my dad's prescription to calm his nerves, we met him at the pharmacy and expressed our gratitude for helping to ease my dad's final hours.
We all gathered around Dad to say our goodbyes and more importantly, tell him that it was O.K. to leave us. He first asked to see J.J. (my sister's son, who was his namesake), then J.J. was handed over to Carol & Paul after they said their goodbyes. Then it was just my mom and the 5 of us. He kept saying, "I need more air, I can't breathe." My brother and I looked at each other in an understanding, as all 6 of his oxygen tanks were turned up to maximum output. We said, "O.K. Dad, we'll turn it up a couple of notches." Then we proceeded to carefully shut down his tanks, one by one... "How's that Dad? Better?" "Yes." he replied, "better..." We all touched him, held his hands, said our "I love you's".
"I love all of you." he gasped... before he began speaking about his 'crossing' we can only assume. With glassy eyes, he looked in the area of his window, and asked, "How do I look?" Then, he said, "Which way do I face" and then finally, "O.k., I'm ready." And that was it. My brother and I shut down the last of the tanks, and Dad left us for a better place...
"... And suddenly, the life we knew before, was over. Forever."
That morning, my mom, and sister and I drove the 10 miles to deliver the news to my grandparents. On the ride over, (about 3:30 am) we saw the brightest, most beautiful shooting star cross our night path. It was as if Dad was saying, "Hello! I'm home!" And now and forever more, we will think of him when a shooting star crosses our path.
I used to be afraid of death. Now; not so much. I am completely content and prepared if I should die tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. Because I know that he will be there to help cross me over, as I'm sure my grandmother was there for him. I feel blessed that I was present to help his crossing from this plane, as he breathed his final breath and crossed into the next...
Just 24 hours prior to his passing, our family was elated and celebrating the fact that Dad was going to get his lung. It happened! The little black pager that had been so closely and carefully guarded (batteries frequently checked) finally sounded--and it was not a drill! This was just days after Dad made the decision to come home to die. Almost a year had gone by and no donors in sight. That beautiful buzzing sound was such music to our deprived ears. We couldn't help but dance a happy dance to it! Immediately, we contacted the surgical transplant team and my dad was transported to the hospital he had just checked out of, but this time it was for a helicopter ride to UCLA.
Immediately, the phone & prayer tree began. I called cousins Tim & Amy, who had earlier volunteered to inform the family. Now when I speak of family, I'm talking a HUGE percentage of the tiny towns we grew up in. And let's not forget the ones in various states across the country. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins--all who knew and loved my Dad in some capacity. We drove the seemingly endless rout discussing all of the wonderful things we were going to do with Dad, once the surgery was done and he had time to recover. We recalled how in recent months, some of his close friends would joke with him about taking out vagrants on the street in hopes that they would be suitable donors. And how when cousin Amy's sister and niece were killed in a car accident, the family had the grace to request that they be considered as possible donors for my dad. They, sadly, were not compatible donors for him, but were able to help other families.
Once we got to UCLA, we were given VIP treatment. We had our very own waiting room and my mom was whisked away to see my dad as he was prepped for the surgery. After waiting for some time, a nurse came to get the family members there (me, my brothers & sisters & grandparents) one at a time to say goodbye and wish him luck before the surgery. I was called in first. But when I walked in, I immediately noticed a heaviness in the air and a sense of dread. Instead of seeing my mom's smiling face, I saw her in tears. She somehow found the courage to tell me that the 'donor's lung' wasn't accepted and that there would be no surgery. It still echos in my head... '... there will be no surgery'.
Nothing could be more sobering than to realize in that moment, that Dad was not going to make it. Doctor's had already told him that he was lucky to have made it this far. I reluctantly returned to the waiting room, where I assumed the staff had informed the family about the situation. When it was apparent they had not been informed, I asked my cousin (also one of my dad's closest friends) if she would please help me tell my family (she was a registered nurse and had a way with soothing people). Suddenly our happy tears turned into distraught sobs. Another family in the room (also waiting to see a loved one) quietly left the room to give our family privacy to grieve. The ride home that night was a tearful reflection of our years spent with our father.
Mom stayed the night with my dad and rode home with him the next morning. I learned later from her, that she and my dad had a long discussion and reflection and barely slept. They professed their love for each other. My dad expressed that he was sorry that he rarely spent time at family gatherings. He reflected on the surprise 50th birthday fundraiser party we gave him and how much fun he'd had. He told her that he wished he'd been present more often because our family had so many happy times at those parties. "When I'm gone, I want you guys to have a party for me every year. Like the one for my 50th. I'll be with you there." He also told my mom that the person's face that he wanted to see most when he got to heaven, was her mom. She was such a wonderful, loving, saintly woman.
My sisters and I tried to make his room as comfy for him as we could. The medical suppliers left oxygen for my dad, but we could tell it wasn't going to be nearly enough. They had left 3 and he was accustomed to 6, so we had to straiten that up by calling the local fire department to transport more in. (they knew my dad's situation with the oxygen and had an emergency plan just for accommodating him in the event of a natural disaster) Once he arrived home, he began to panic. There wasn't enough oxygen, there weren't enough meds, there wasn't enough time...
He decided he didn't want my grandmother present when he died, only my mom and us kids (and his best friend Paul and his wife (my dad's close cousin--the RN). It was a long, long night. After calling the local pharmacist at home (around midnight) to please fill my dad's prescription to calm his nerves, we met him at the pharmacy and expressed our gratitude for helping to ease my dad's final hours.
We all gathered around Dad to say our goodbyes and more importantly, tell him that it was O.K. to leave us. He first asked to see J.J. (my sister's son, who was his namesake), then J.J. was handed over to Carol & Paul after they said their goodbyes. Then it was just my mom and the 5 of us. He kept saying, "I need more air, I can't breathe." My brother and I looked at each other in an understanding, as all 6 of his oxygen tanks were turned up to maximum output. We said, "O.K. Dad, we'll turn it up a couple of notches." Then we proceeded to carefully shut down his tanks, one by one... "How's that Dad? Better?" "Yes." he replied, "better..." We all touched him, held his hands, said our "I love you's".
"I love all of you." he gasped... before he began speaking about his 'crossing' we can only assume. With glassy eyes, he looked in the area of his window, and asked, "How do I look?" Then, he said, "Which way do I face" and then finally, "O.k., I'm ready." And that was it. My brother and I shut down the last of the tanks, and Dad left us for a better place...
"... And suddenly, the life we knew before, was over. Forever."
That morning, my mom, and sister and I drove the 10 miles to deliver the news to my grandparents. On the ride over, (about 3:30 am) we saw the brightest, most beautiful shooting star cross our night path. It was as if Dad was saying, "Hello! I'm home!" And now and forever more, we will think of him when a shooting star crosses our path.
I used to be afraid of death. Now; not so much. I am completely content and prepared if I should die tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. Because I know that he will be there to help cross me over, as I'm sure my grandmother was there for him. I feel blessed that I was present to help his crossing from this plane, as he breathed his final breath and crossed into the next...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Baby, Baby
Within the last couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity privilege of holding infants, which stirred up so many happy emotions. The two precious souls were my nephew's baby brother (1 mo. old) and my first baby niece (3 mos. old). On both occasions, their mothers acknowledged that I had a special way with them.
Frank Jr.'s mom said that aside from her and her neighbor, I was the only other person that could calm him when he got restless. She had come over to exchange gifts and visit with my nephew. (she is his dad's widow) She has a 1 year old and a 1 mo. old, plus a 16 year old daughter with a 4 mo. old! She told me that if her daughter got pregnant again, that she would hand her next grandchild over to me in a heartbeat. That left me a bit speechless...
The second person to acknowledge my "baby whisperer" ways, was my sis-in-law as I held her daughter. She told me that I looked so comfortable with a baby in my arms and that I really should pursue motherhood. She knows my situation and has offered before to be a surrogate womb for me. She said if one of my sisters donates one of their eggs and I found the right donor for me, she would very happily carry my child.
All I know is that if I could bottle the feeling that I get when I hold a baby, I'd be a gazillionaire! I think it is something I need to consider. But how does one go about choosing a father? Do I go for 'Daddy' material or 'Donor' material? It is a question I will no doubt be pondering in the rash of sleepless nights that I seem to now be accustomed to...
Frank Jr.'s mom said that aside from her and her neighbor, I was the only other person that could calm him when he got restless. She had come over to exchange gifts and visit with my nephew. (she is his dad's widow) She has a 1 year old and a 1 mo. old, plus a 16 year old daughter with a 4 mo. old! She told me that if her daughter got pregnant again, that she would hand her next grandchild over to me in a heartbeat. That left me a bit speechless...
The second person to acknowledge my "baby whisperer" ways, was my sis-in-law as I held her daughter. She told me that I looked so comfortable with a baby in my arms and that I really should pursue motherhood. She knows my situation and has offered before to be a surrogate womb for me. She said if one of my sisters donates one of their eggs and I found the right donor for me, she would very happily carry my child.
All I know is that if I could bottle the feeling that I get when I hold a baby, I'd be a gazillionaire! I think it is something I need to consider. But how does one go about choosing a father? Do I go for 'Daddy' material or 'Donor' material? It is a question I will no doubt be pondering in the rash of sleepless nights that I seem to now be accustomed to...
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