Daydreamer - Adele

I know you are out there still searching for me. I can feel it deep within my soul. When we find each other, we will both know without doubt that we are Home.

Random Memories

This post will continuously be updated as the memories materialize in my head

There are so many...  I'd never want to lose them.
Imprints in my mind...  flashbacks forever logged.

My earliest memories:
hiking behind grandma's house with my brother & dad; visiting the ranger station; fishing with grandpa off the dam; swimming lessons; homemade tortillas; shucking corn; Tonka trucks and mud pies; cleaning grandma's house; the Monkees; Grandma praying her rosary; Grandma washing my hair with rainwater; my brother pooping in the tub--with me in it; hiking the Minarets with Mom, Dad & my brother; catching fire flies in a bottle; soda in a bottle; walks to the market; Mikey the "junk man"; the smell of Dad's pipe; peeing in a Foldger's coffee can in the back of the Ram Charger, so grandpa wouldn't have to stop on our trips to El Paso & Amarillo; thunderstorms in Indiana; Amish country; Deer Forest in Michigan; the crick; Nana's house burning down; grandma rubbing my feet and playing "this little piggie" (in Spanish, of course) on my toes; chocolate & toast; fall 'tunas' (cactus apples); collecting pine nuts as a family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc.); swimming in the river;  parties at the scout house; Dad as Smokey Bear;  the awful smell, shocking sounds, and paralyzing fright of being in a real haunted house; playing with the Oija board; matchbox cars in the dirt; Dynomite club; eating in the train at the McDonald's in Saugus;  Magic Mountain; flying in an airplane for the first time; Aunt Esther dying; fishing off the docks in Ventura; weekends at the beach; day hikes with dad; traveling in the 5th wheel; drives along PCH; blinding rains in Oregon; Olympia, Washington; ghost towns; roller skating everywhere; babysitting for Dr. Nelson; clam digging in Pismo; Santa's Village; learning to snow ski; ice skating for the first time; picking lupins; building a fort; hunting for leprechauns; watching snow fall for the first time; grunion hunting; snipe hunting; playing in tide pools; Virginia Lakes campground; Silver Lake; grandpa catching a seagull while casting; my bro casting his hook into my hair; my other bro falling off a log into the river; that same bro falling through a window--twice; grandpa's cured olives and tunas; Gaviota; getting caught on the train trestle and running for dear life as the Amtrak just missed our asses; Dad returning home from work smelling of sage; pulling his boots off at the end of the day; playing in his truck; memorizing the scanner codes and beeps; California BB gun team; being the only girl on the team; being called Annie Okley;  National championships in Joplin, Mo; staying in the dorms at Mo. Southern State U.; the Ozarks; Markku from Finland; Boy Scout Jubilee at Disneyland; the meteor shower at the beaver ponds; Bishop's Mule Days; Tahoe; June Lake; riding the gondola at Mammoth; the mansion; my first kiss; star gazing with dad

School Memories:
gram crackers and milk; finger painting with jello; "I See Sam"; walking from Grandma's to school; smoking grandma's cigarettes in the orchard next to Piru school; bloody mary; the log at Piru school;  snowball dances; being 5th grade snow princess;  cheering for the Piru Indians; being a Raider's cheerleader; practice kissing with and on my girlfriends; Summer School; Catechism; Fr. Ravlic; being confirmed by then Arch Bishop Roger Mahoney; Youth Day & Congress; walking from Saticoy to Piru (20 miles) in one day; 6th grade Hobby Show; 6th grade graduation; Summer Academic Institute at UCSB; breakdancing contests at lunch time; yearbook staff; making out with my H.S. sweetheart in the photo lab; prom; being paid and getting out of class to be an extra in the filming of "Iron Eagle"; watching the filming of "The Dukes of Hazard" after school; Flashes in the rain at S.P.; scorekeeping for the softball and girls basketball team; writing my own sick notes; the smoking area at school; the Backwards Dance; the cheer queers; typing class; career day; Magic Mountain annual passes every year; weekends at Magic Mountain; Magic Mountain concerts; cruising Saviors, Main Street, & San Fernando Blvd.; working at Margaret's Cocina; float building; pep rallies; SADD; blood alley; Grad Nite Live; the Radiotron; Chemical Reaction; Electronic Wizards; Prince; L.L. Cool J; Hip Hop; neon socks; parachute pants; mini skirts; Santa Grams; donut runs for Mr. A; the pool hall; suicide sodas; Homecoming parades; 10th grade pilgrimage to Fatima, Portugal paid for by tamale sales; dining in a Portuguese castle; St. Therese of the Flowers novena; losing air conditioning over the Atlantic on the flight to Portugal and the entire airplane praying the rosary as we stripped down to our slips, boxers & underwear while surviving on rationed out ice chips; decorating the 'Malaysian' float for the Rose Parade; New Year's Eves at Disneyland; participating in "Hands Across America"

Travel & Adventure Memories:
Fitting 6 women with shopping bags into a cab in Tiajuana, Mexico;  the awe of viewing the Grand Canyon for the first time; watching campers scramble as a baby bear ran through our Yosemite campground; feeling the misty spray of Niagra Falls on my skin; crossing the bridge from Detroit into Canada; whale watching off the Channel Islands; snorkeling in a volcano; traveling solo across the country on an Amtrak train; watching the "Showtime" Era Lakers play; watching the Boston Celtics play; watching the Dodgers beat the Cards from a 'Luxury Suite' @ Dodger Stadium; attending a post season Laker game; driving through a California Redwood tree; flying over the Atlantic; flying over the Pacific; flying over the North Pole; spending a day alone in Paris; navigating the Paris Metro by myself; the views from the Eiffel Tower; the Arch de Triumph; touring the Louvre; shopping in Florence, Italy; Versailles Castle; the Leaning Tower of Pisa; gondola ride through the canals of Venice; water taxi ride on the Grand Canal; the pigeons at St. Marks Square; being kissed (and pinched) by a handsome waiter in Rome; tossing a coin into the Trevi Fountain; visiting the Pope's summer home; the bus ride through the Swiss Alps; the taste of real swiss chocolate; Lake Lucerne; kissing the Blarney Stone; having lunch in a 300 plus year old Irish pub (c. 1640); the BEST turkey and dressing sandwich in Ireland; driving in Ireland; driving on the right side of the car and the left side of the road in rain and sleet conditions in Ireland; the Cliffs of Moher; picking up a hitch-hiker in Ireland; Christmas shopping in Ireland; dining in a Portuguese castle; listening to Sister Lucia sing in a portuguese convent; Fatima; heavily armed security guards at Lisbon airport; weekend cruise to Catalina and Baja; Mexican Riviera cruise; Millenium New Year's in Vegas;  watching the implosion of the Hacienda Hotel live; being in Vegas when Tyson bit Holyfield's ear; being in Vegas when 2Pac was shot; being in Vegas for the De La Hoya/Vargas fight; being treated like royalty for the opening of Belagio Hotel in Vegas (pres. suite; champaign delivered); staying at the Ritz Carlton, San Francisco (same 5 Star treatment); Alcatraz Island; navigating the streets of San Francisco; crossing the Golden Gate Bridge; Cirque du Soleil's Mystere & Oh; winning Vegas jackpots; winning a trip to Hawaii; Mardi Gras in New Orleans; getting a Zulu coconut from the Zulu parade @ Mardi Gras; the captain of the steam boat at Disneyland inviting me to 'pilot' the boat; New Year's at Disneyland; horseback riding at Virginia Lakes; Zodiac tour along the Na Pali Coast; riding in a boat through an aqua cavern (Na Pali Coast); swimming with sea turtles; spinner dolphins playing alongside our catamaran as we sailed to Lanai; lounging in a hammock between 2 palm trees with a mai tai in hand on a beach in Lanai; driving the road to Hana--all the way around; slack key concert in Hanalei, Kauai; staying in a mansion with a secluded beach in Kauai; watching the sunrise at Mt. Haleakala; New Year's in Kauai

A History Lesson~Abridged

I have just learned that a California historian wishes to interview my family, based on some light, though matter-of-fact conversations with one of my cousins.  I find this extremely fascinating, because I have always thought that one could make a mini movie series or docudrama about my families' histories.  On both sides of my family, we have a treasure trove of incredibly interesting accomplishments.

For instance, my great-great grandfather on my dad's side planted the eucalyptus trees that once lined both sides of HWY 126 between Piru & Castaic.  This was when my grandmother was very young and they lived where Six Flags over Magic Mountain is now.  That same grandmother has given very vivid accounts of the San Francisquito Dam disaster in 1928.  Ones where their family was awaken by rumbling and water crashing through their small community.  Her father and other townsmen plucked bodies (some alive but most dead) from trees and we still have family members whose bodies were never recovered.  They remember the WWI blackouts in LA, and as a mason, my grandfather assisted with the building of Dodger Stadium.

Both my parents' families are actual founding families of Piru, Ca.  It is the 1/2 way point between the San Fernando and the Buenaventura Missions on el Camino Real.  My mother's father actually worked on the Historical Camulos Ranch there.  And he and my grandmother were Cristero Revolutionary survivors.

As a forest ranger, my dad was once in charge of guarding the California Condor Sanctuary in the Los Padres National Forest.  This was before they had breeding grounds and while they were on the endangered species list.  He carried a shotgun and it was purely for protecting the condors from game or humans.  My father is also a fallen firefighter.  He is forever immortalized on the California Fallen Firefighter's Memorial in Sacramento and also in Ventura County.  He will soon be added to the National memorial as well.

My mother and her brother were the ones to begin enactment of Title 9 in our community.  They brought girls softball to our town, coaching without pay and no uniforms against big schools like Buena and Ventura--and winning teams no less.

As National Hispanic Heritage month winds down, I am eager to find out more about my ancestry and history.  Perhaps this stranger's interest in my family is the stepping stone I needed to research and validate their roots... my roots.

Spiders & Solitude

Several nights ago, I was awaken by a sort of tickle on my face.  I thought to myself, "mmm, that's sweet... he's playing with my hair..."  Then another tickle near my hairline before I realized that I hadn't brought anyone home that night.  It hit me like lightening, and I reacted just as quickly with a slap to my face--SPIDER!!!  I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom to wash the horrid creature from my hand and proceeded to scrub my face with a loofa.  But that was not enough, cause in my mind, there must be a whole family living in my bed.  At 2:30 am, I stripped my bed and washed all the bedding.  Then I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my scalp and all of my body's cavity entrances, as I sleep in the buff--I was NOT taking any chances!  I was not back in bed until about 4 am that night.

My entire life, I have had a paralyzing fear of spiders.  I read somewhere that many of our fears are suppressed from past life experiences--or something like that.  If that is the case, I was probably bit by a brown recluse or a black widow.  Snakes, rodents and bugs are fine, but something about an arachnid is terrifying for me.  

It is funny though, cause I always thought that spiders were my only true fear.  I'm not afraid of heights, water, planes, bees, ufos, ghosts or even death.  But these last few months have given me perspective on a new fear.  That fear is loneliness.  

As the oldest child of five, I have always been independent.  I have lived away from my family as a nanny, so I always had the company of children and family.  When I turned 40, I began to seriously think about getting my own place, so that I could finally enjoy some solitude and relaxing peace.  But my brother and sister-in-law (who I was renting a room from) really needed my financial assistance with their mortgage.  So I was a good sister and waited.

Last year, my brother & his wife refinanced their house and that was just what I needed to begin looking for my own place.  An old friend from high school said it was a perfect time for me to buy and he would be happy to help me through the process.  This was it! I was 42 and beyond ready!  But I had a lot going on with my job, I searched housing adds and visited model homes, but I didn't really have that drive that I needed to actually get out there and seriously seek out a place of my own.  That is until I reunited with an old flame.  The realization that I didn't have a place to invite him over to spend a night or a weekend was a little embarrassing.  So I jumped on the fast track to find a place.  I chose to look for a place that would be a sort of half way between my job & family, and my reunited lover.  I even invited him along on one of my house hunting outings, and I fantasized that one day he might even move in with his children, so naturally, I needed 2 bedrooms and someplace that had lots going on for a family to enjoy.

Extremely long story short, I found a great home in a great location about the same time I realized that the guy of my dreams did not feel the same way about me.  I was devastated, but still craved that true independence that came with homeownership.  So I dusted off my pride and dignity, and went ahead and purchased my place.  The price was so good that within weeks, the value rose.  I wasn't alone for long before my BFF came to town and stayed with me for a couple of months over the summer. 

It was great having her around.  We stayed up late talking, danced, conjured up meals on a budget, enjoyed nightlife, conversed, hit yard sales, etc.  Then, just as quickly as she was here, she left home to the East Coast.  I was sure I'd be fine, after all, I was about to start another school year.  I could begin weekend projects around my home.  It has been 2 months since she left, and I am beginning to feel the shades of loneliness...  

Coming form a large family, with Thursday night poker games, Saturday & Sunday afternoon sporting events, birthdays and BBQ's, family dinners, etc., this alone time really can mess with the mind!  One minute I'm excited because I created a healthy meal that I'm sure tastes great, but the next minute I realize that there's no one to verify that it tastes great.  My mom does not like to drive in traffic, so she will only come on light traffic days or if someone drives her here...  The pool and tennis courts would completely intoxicate my nephews for hours, but now that school has started and the weather has gotten cooler, that won't likely happen 'til next summer.  I listen to music, read, and watch a few select shows on the tube, but what I really crave is conversation.  Sometimes I think out loud so that I can hear my voice--it somehow makes me feel less alone.  

And that brings me to the whole point of my post... spiders are not the only things that frighten me.  I have come to the realization that silent moments are wonderful, but only in small doses.  Solitude cleanses the soul, but it also messes with the mind.  Family can be stressful, but sooooo soothing at the same time.  Loneliness has become a full fledged contender for my number one fear...

Living My Dreams

I could have chosen to become an architect, interior designer, an anthropologist, a travel agent, or a photojournalist--all were once my dream.  Instead, I chose the one profession that my mom, a 36 year veteran of the profession told me NOT to become--a teacher.  "It's a thankless job.  You won't get paid your worth.  Weekends and summers off are a myth because you will always be working on improving the education and lives of your clientele."  All of these arguments swayed me only momentarily.  And each one very true.

As a child, I used to fantasize about building my own home.  I would sketch actual floor plans and layouts on graph paper.  I included all the details that anyone would want their home to have, right down to the landscaping.  Had I stuck with my original choice, I may be enjoying my 'dream home' right now.  Or designing beautiful high end green homes with enough saved funds to adopt and raise a slew of kids.

Another hobby I enjoyed was interior design.  When my baby sis went to UNLV and rented an apartment, I jumped at the chance to decorate for her (on a college student budget no less).  I gave her digs a high end look for an affordable amount.  Then when she moved to a home in Vegas, she sought me to decorate that place.  It led to my redesigning my mom's bedroom, living room, and her back yard & patio.  And that led to my involvement in renovating my BFF's home.  Had I chosen to be an interior designer, I might be living in some posh community with my own little business and up scale clientele.

As a Sagittarian, wanderlust is a huge element in my life.  I remember fantasizing about traveling to distant lands.  As a 6th grader, I was enchanted with Japanese culture after doing a report on the country.  And after studying the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Maya, Inca and Aztecs (also in 6th grade), I wanted to experience all of those cultures.  In Jr. High, I was fascinated with National Geographic and hoped one day to be an anthropologist or at the very least a photographer for the magazine.  I joined the H.S. yearbook staff as a photographer.  And in the 10th grade, I had the opportunity of a lifetime--to travel to a holy village in Portugal with a few other people from my church.  Being exposed to another culture had me wanting more.  So much so, that I took a travel agent course at an adult school.

In the end, I chose to listen to my gut.  Against my mom's advise, I enrolled in Child Development courses at Cal State Northridge.  I know where the need to pursue Child Development came from.  It was growing up in an extended family with lots and lots of cousins and brothers & sisters.  I had a beautiful, adventurous childhood and I wanted to be the BEST parent ever--like my own parents and grandparents were.  I had been a nanny for our county superintendent of schools (who's wife was a professor of education at Cal Lutheran).  I cared for their two children (the youngest having Down Syndrome) for 8 years.  I was certain I was preparing myself for mothering a soccer team (or a basketball team at the very least).  When my 16 year old sis became pregnant, I practiced the whole parenthood thing with my nephew.  Since my sis was still in school, I had him during the day and went to school at night.  I had my nephew so much that people thought he belonged to me.

And so here I am.  A teacher with no kids of my own, but a classroom filled with the future.  I have decorated some, traveled some, written and photographed some, and I have even mothered some.  I am BLESSED.  And at my age, I am still in the running for even more adventures in the greatest classroom of all--Life...

Sanctified Strength

16 de septiembre (Mexican Independence Day) is an ideal time for me to reflect on just one story of many in my family's rich Mexican historia.  My grandparents on my mother's side lived (survived) the infamous Cristero Revolution in Mexico.  During a time when Catholic priests were being martyred, my grandparents risked their lives to have the holy sacrament of marriage bestowed on them by a Catholic priest.  That priest in turn risked his life to perform the blessed ritual.

I remember hearing the story of my grandparents having been married in a cave in Mexico because the government had outlawed Catholic ceremonies and gatherings of any kind.  Many priests were killed for ignoring the law and performing the rites anyway.  My grandparents' anniversary was June 24, 1928.  It was the day we always celebrated.  But not until they were both deceased, did we learn that their true 'official' date of matrimony (officially recognized by the courts) was about 3 weeks later in mid July.

It amazes me that they risked death in order to be bound by God in His holy Catholic church.  What amazes me even more is that my grandmother was only 14 when my grandfather (24) married her and brought her to the U.S.  Makes me wonder if she even had a choice or say in the matter.  How utterly terrifying and yet brave she must have been.  God bless you Grandma.  For I know that I inherited your strength and fortitude.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

So it is common knowledge that I have been without a love (and I mean 'Real' Love) for some time.  Let's not dwell on exactly how long.  The fact is that it has been way too long.  And now that I am NOT out there looking, it seems to be finding me.  Trouble is, I don't want to be found this time.

I want to enjoy my independence and the opportunities for playful adventures with whomever I choose--a flavor-of-the-month, so to speak.  But all of a sudden I feel like the guy in these potential conquests!  Talk about roll reversal!

A few months ago, I began seeing a FB friend that I hadn't seen in 20 years.  He barely remembered me which led me to believe he'd be the perfect "john" to hook up with for a mini fling to help me get mind off my last guy... err, relationship... err, whatever you call it... He was funny, had a job, lived far enough away, wasn't married, engaged, or living with anyone and he liked to drink and have a good time.  Spent a whirlwind weekend at his place and BAM!  He starts to have 'feelings' for me.  Now I don't mind feelings--don't get me wrong, but these feelings were way too serious for only one weekend into a relationship!  So I broke his heart and told him he was barking up the wrong tree if he wanted commitment from me.  Result?  He went on a rather unhealthy, pouty drinking binge and lemme tell you, he is not a nice drunk!  Now I know how guys feel when 'marriage' comes up in conversation on a date!!!

Attempt number 2 occurred a couple of weeks ago while out enjoying the weekend before I went back to work.  Went to a local bar with my BFF and met up with a couple of guys we hadn't seen in nearly 20 years.  Now the guy that hit on me was just as funny as when we used to hang out with him all those years ago.  He had me and my girl in stitches all night, and the two of them even took us to have a bite to eat afterwards.  We laughed all night.  Boy did I need that too!  My tummy and entire core was sore from all the laughing.  He was really into me too--had me feelin' like a teenager and all.  Now he is a few years older than me (which is normally off for me!  I like my men younger than me...), so I figured he'd be perfect for a fling, cuz he went out a lot and he was really outgoing he won't expect a relationship.  Low and behold, he's also a handyman!  (which is something I REALLY need)  So I invited him over the next day to assess my honey do list.  He was really into me (even sober).  He gave me a foot massage and brushed my hair, and with his kisses, he touched that one place on the back of my neck that sends my senses to neverland!  You guessed it, I let him sample my 'goodies'.  It was just once!  I didn't even let him stay the night!  And I got WAY more out of it than he did--trus me!  But dambed if he didn't call later that night!  I had work the next day, and he's talkin' about wanting another drink and how I taste like cotton candy and can he get some more.  Then he leaves me a message the next day, singing Bruno Mars 'Just the Way You Are'!  And if that's not enough, he texted me too--talkin' bout how lucky he is to have met me and lets take a walk on the beach...  WTF???  1 time?  Really?  So I had "the talk" with him as well.  Don't want commitment.  His response?  "That's cool, I get you.  I can accept that.  I mean, I'd rather be with you, but its cool if you don't want anything serious.  So just use me.  Can I get a drink?" Now that's more like it.  I can get some when I need it and no commitment.  That's beautiful, right?  Apparently NOT.  Very next day, that guy's cousin comes over for dinner (he used to date my BFF and they hadn't seen each other in like 12 years).  So his cousin is very upset with me (he has always looked out for me & my BFF) for allowing him in my house.  Apparently, he used to have a drug problem and still may have one.  And to boot, he once sold all of his parents' belongings while they were away on a vacation.  Wow...  Now his cousin hasn't talked to him in years, but he thinks I should be very careful and maybe even get a dog--a big one.  DAMN!  So naturally, I have been avoiding this guy like the plague!  I was able to fend him off for a while due to a recent death in my family.  But he promised to call me next week.  He already knows my BFF is leaving back home to Philly too.  Aye, Aye, Aye!  What to do?  Now I know what guys feel like when girls 'stalk' them!!!

Since the recent death in my family, my ex boyfriend (I can call him that cause we introduced one another as our boy/girlfriend) has contacted me asking if he can come out for a visit.  He said he'd stay in my guest room if I wanted him to.  I hope I don't end up regretting it, but I think I just might let him.  At least I know what I'm dealing with when I'm with him.  He's a great drunk.  He's totally NOT the stalker type.  And he makes me feel safe.  As long as I stick to my "Year of Me" rules and don't expect anything more than some good, clean sex, I think that just might work...