Well, here it is... the end of November and I am bearing down on b-day #44. So, naturally, I find myself asking that age-old question, "why the hell am I still single?!"
Over my week-long Thanksgiving break, I began to look deep within myself for the answer to that question. I went over all of my life-changing events, searching for clues that might lead me to the answer. I can best sum up my 'research' as follows:
I have always been a spiritual being. And it is my belief that we are sent here to this human plane to learn the lessons of the universe, and our 'hell', or purgatory if you will, is constantly returning until we learn all of life's lessons. I have always assumed that my life's goals this time around was to be a mother. Then recently, I realized, I have already mastered that lesson--perhaps in my last life. That's why in this life, I was able to mother so many: 3 children (one with Down Syndrome) as a nanny; my nephew as his godmother and one of his primary caregivers for so many years; not to mention the years of babysitting younger cousins before becoming a kindergarten teacher to over 300 children to date (including children with autism, asperger's syndrome, depression, orphaned, abused, ADHD, etc.) Therefor, I concluded that this round of 'purgatory' is aimed at humility, service and fulfilling the needs of others (mainly men, err rather--boys)!
To back this research up, I drew on the session several years back with a psychic. She 'saw' me living on or near the water (pacific ocean, no doubt) and she saw 4 boys around me. Now for a good part of my child-bearing years, I thought it meant that I would have 4 children--all boys. Then, as years unfurled and I realized that without a relationship, the only boys I had were my nephews (4)--that must be what the psychic meant. But now, I think I see the light. Those 4 boys are my exes!
It makes perfect sense now. By nature, and according to numerology, astrology, (both conventional and ancient aztec & mayan) and the asian zodiac, I am the epitome of my signs. "Nurturing, caring, loyal, optimistic, sensitive, fun-loving, etc. and I am a natural teacher, artist, counselor, spiritual leader, peacemaker", blah, blah, blah... "I see the good in all people; I'm the master of compromise; I never demand praise or recognition; I expect a great deal of myself; I prefer amiable to competitive; I'm not one to dominate a group or situation", blah, blah, blah...
There it is! I am single today because I gave and gave and gave to each of my exes, NEVER expecting anything in return.
My first love was protective of my naivety (still is); he got along with my family perfectly (still does); when he left to serve the country overseas, he promised to return to me. When he did not, I wished him well in his business endeavor and told him I'd always be there for him. Today he owns a prosperous business and he is the most open and honest of my 4 exes. Even though we have not been sexually involved in almost 25 years, he gives me strength to continue to have faith in men by consoling me and giving me perspective on the male psyche. I love him. He is the 'realest' of the 4.
My second love lasted the longest. We were good friends. We had fun whether we were watching a ball game, playing a board game, having sex, listening to music, having dinner. My mom and grandmother loved him, his parents and sister loved me. I took him to visit my grandparents in the Easten Sierras (my favorite playground), he and his dad took me fishing on Lake Eerie. I took him to a Mexican food joint in Pacoima, he took me to a dive bar in a Cleveland ghetto. We took each other out of our comfort zones. I love him. He is the most down-to-earth of the 4.
My third love is really my 4th, I'll explain when I get to my 4th. For the purposes of this post, he's my 3rd. He and I had the same desires. We were romantics and wanted true love, complete with children and a white picket fence (so to speak). He made me feel safe, and special when I was with him. He admired my mother and how close my family was. We wanted to share that closeness with our own family one day. Eventually, he left back home. I visited a couple of times, but both of us had issues. I was needy and sensitive since my dad's death, he was controlling and a bit condescending at times. We went our separate ways, but still kept in touch. We both pursued higher education (very important to both of us). Once we both 'made it' in our chosen professions and did some serious maturing, we began to realize that neither of us were getting any younger. We were both doing well, but were missing that dream of having a family. So we made a pact to become parents together when we were ready. I love him. He is the hopeless romantic of the 4.
My final love was in my life before I met my third. We began seeing each other again 1 year ago. It was the most intense, relationship of the four. I think it was made more intense due to the fact that we share the same astrological sign. Both of us passionate, fun-loving, and intensely sexual. We hit the ground running. We had so many things in common it was eerie. I felt like a teenager having him in my life again. I love him. He's the most sensual of the 4.
All of these boys needed me in one way or another. Number 1 needed assurance that someone back home was missing him, thinking of him, writing to him, while he was uncertain if he would survive his tour of duty. Then, when he returned, he decided to live out his dreams without me. Number 2 had his best friend in me. When an unexpected pregnancy threatened his future, he assumed I could handle an abortion to save his football career. Number 3 saw that I would be wonderful mom material. But what he really needs is a babymama that is complacent and dutiful. And Number 4 needed the companionship and zest for life that I was finally ready to give but in the end, he dumped me for a grandmother (still trying to build my self esteem up from that one).
Humility: being torn down by the men you love and still loving them. These 4 boys have sucked the life out of me. I think its why I'm leery of 'new' relationships. There's not much left to take! I'll stick with my 4 for now, and trust that the universe has something special waiting for all the pain I've gone through. I even sound like their mother!!
