Spiders & Solitude

Several nights ago, I was awaken by a sort of tickle on my face.  I thought to myself, "mmm, that's sweet... he's playing with my hair..."  Then another tickle near my hairline before I realized that I hadn't brought anyone home that night.  It hit me like lightening, and I reacted just as quickly with a slap to my face--SPIDER!!!  I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom to wash the horrid creature from my hand and proceeded to scrub my face with a loofa.  But that was not enough, cause in my mind, there must be a whole family living in my bed.  At 2:30 am, I stripped my bed and washed all the bedding.  Then I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my scalp and all of my body's cavity entrances, as I sleep in the buff--I was NOT taking any chances!  I was not back in bed until about 4 am that night.

My entire life, I have had a paralyzing fear of spiders.  I read somewhere that many of our fears are suppressed from past life experiences--or something like that.  If that is the case, I was probably bit by a brown recluse or a black widow.  Snakes, rodents and bugs are fine, but something about an arachnid is terrifying for me.  

It is funny though, cause I always thought that spiders were my only true fear.  I'm not afraid of heights, water, planes, bees, ufos, ghosts or even death.  But these last few months have given me perspective on a new fear.  That fear is loneliness.  

As the oldest child of five, I have always been independent.  I have lived away from my family as a nanny, so I always had the company of children and family.  When I turned 40, I began to seriously think about getting my own place, so that I could finally enjoy some solitude and relaxing peace.  But my brother and sister-in-law (who I was renting a room from) really needed my financial assistance with their mortgage.  So I was a good sister and waited.

Last year, my brother & his wife refinanced their house and that was just what I needed to begin looking for my own place.  An old friend from high school said it was a perfect time for me to buy and he would be happy to help me through the process.  This was it! I was 42 and beyond ready!  But I had a lot going on with my job, I searched housing adds and visited model homes, but I didn't really have that drive that I needed to actually get out there and seriously seek out a place of my own.  That is until I reunited with an old flame.  The realization that I didn't have a place to invite him over to spend a night or a weekend was a little embarrassing.  So I jumped on the fast track to find a place.  I chose to look for a place that would be a sort of half way between my job & family, and my reunited lover.  I even invited him along on one of my house hunting outings, and I fantasized that one day he might even move in with his children, so naturally, I needed 2 bedrooms and someplace that had lots going on for a family to enjoy.

Extremely long story short, I found a great home in a great location about the same time I realized that the guy of my dreams did not feel the same way about me.  I was devastated, but still craved that true independence that came with homeownership.  So I dusted off my pride and dignity, and went ahead and purchased my place.  The price was so good that within weeks, the value rose.  I wasn't alone for long before my BFF came to town and stayed with me for a couple of months over the summer. 

It was great having her around.  We stayed up late talking, danced, conjured up meals on a budget, enjoyed nightlife, conversed, hit yard sales, etc.  Then, just as quickly as she was here, she left home to the East Coast.  I was sure I'd be fine, after all, I was about to start another school year.  I could begin weekend projects around my home.  It has been 2 months since she left, and I am beginning to feel the shades of loneliness...  

Coming form a large family, with Thursday night poker games, Saturday & Sunday afternoon sporting events, birthdays and BBQ's, family dinners, etc., this alone time really can mess with the mind!  One minute I'm excited because I created a healthy meal that I'm sure tastes great, but the next minute I realize that there's no one to verify that it tastes great.  My mom does not like to drive in traffic, so she will only come on light traffic days or if someone drives her here...  The pool and tennis courts would completely intoxicate my nephews for hours, but now that school has started and the weather has gotten cooler, that won't likely happen 'til next summer.  I listen to music, read, and watch a few select shows on the tube, but what I really crave is conversation.  Sometimes I think out loud so that I can hear my voice--it somehow makes me feel less alone.  

And that brings me to the whole point of my post... spiders are not the only things that frighten me.  I have come to the realization that silent moments are wonderful, but only in small doses.  Solitude cleanses the soul, but it also messes with the mind.  Family can be stressful, but sooooo soothing at the same time.  Loneliness has become a full fledged contender for my number one fear...