Cultura (The Latin Effect)

You grew up in a musical family and lost your way, but are now blazing a path back to your musical heritage.  Well that is kind of the way I feel about my life's journey... only Mother Nature has done everything to break me down, and she's an unforgiving Biotch!  Must keep writing...  how else will anyone know I was here?

Each culture has its own identity.  Mine is rooted in my Mexican-American heritage:  second generation Chicana on my mom's side; third generation Chicana on my dad's side.  Within the culture are a set of values which is the corazon (heart) and a code of honor which is the alma (soul) of our very proud culture.  Familia is at the center of it all.

My family comes from a very poor country.  That third world background followed my grandparents (on my mom's side) to California, but as poor as they (we) were financially, we always felt blessed.  We carried the wealth of la familia for all to see.  You see wealth in Mexico isn't measured by pesos or dollars, but rather by a very large family.  Families with several children were considered rich.  

A large family is the heart of our (my) identity.  So after growing up with my grandmother who had 8 children, with the only man she ever loved; and another grandmother who was the oldest of 13 children, married to my grandfather--the only man she's ever loved (also the oldest of 13) going on 70 years; and growing up the oldest of 5 in a family where my dad was the only one my mom ever loved (even after his death), is it any wonder that I'm so heartbroken that I will never reach my true wealth?  

In retrospect, I think the loyalty and devotion to their men that the women in my life modeled for me, has actually skewed my view of relationships.  In my world, a woman's role is to love and honor one man, dote on him and raise his children with that same love and devotion.  Its what I have etched in my memory and what was likely etched into the female ancestors that preceded my grandmothers.  One big happy, loving, family. Coming to the realization that most of American society views this as backward-thinking is a tough pill to swallow.

How at this stage in my Chicanisma life do I learn to love more than one man; how to go through my life alone--without children and grandchildren to share my family values with?

Grandparents are the soul of the Mexican family.  It is an honor to have them in our lives.  Nursing homes are NEVER thought of and placing our parents or grandparents in such a home would bring shame upon our family.  Our elders are our whole reason for existence and our pay in return is to care for them in their old age as they cared for us in our youth.  It is a privilege to care for them.  It completes the Circle of Life...

To know that I won't have children or grandchildren to care for me or even visit me is yet another tough pill to swallow.  Of course plenty of people give their 2 cents on how I should feel lucky that I can travel and enjoy my later years and not worry about the added stress or cost of a child.  But honestly, those people just don't know.  They--every last one of them, have children.  Children that will care for them and visit them and love them forever.  

How at this stage in my Chicanisma life do I learn to accept a future of loneliness in a home where no one will likely care, let alone visit? 

More Salt Please!

I'm sooooo ready to spice up my vida... 

It has been almost 3 mos. since my last reflection and so many life changes have presented themselves...  more salt has penetrated the wounds that had begun to heal.  It began in mid March when the scab covering a deep infliction of male abandonment was ripped so suddenly from my flesh, that I barely had time to react.  Open wound--insert salt.  Then in the midst of saving my money to purchase a home, I discover that I have an unsettled medical bill from over a year ago when I broke my wrist.  And not 2 weeks later, I receive a bill for the medical tests I had last year when I decided to get the LapBand surgery.  Now that I am taking care of my body and training, I understand what needs to be done to lose weight, but that doesn't matter when dollar signs are added to the equation.  Now, I HAVE to have the surgery and pay only $2500 under my insurance, OR I can pay for the tests I've already had $16000 with NO help from my insurance...  Open wound--insert more salt.  Finally, in the last week, I discovered that my ex (the one I had an abortion for) actually has 2 daughters!  They're the same age.  Open wound--insert even more salt.

But I am an evolved woman!  I am finally in love with myself!  This is my year!  And I choose to view the 'salt' in the biblical sense.  It is the spice of my life!  It will heal my wounds and purify them!  For the first time in my 43 year existence, I am enjoying men. (plural)  I have my own space and a greater sense of freedom to go with it.  So I'll have the surgery that I don't need--my insurance will cover cosmetic surgery that I will undoubtedly need.  The salt is a blessing!!!  For with it, I can have sex solely for pleasure!  With it, I can get that tummy tuck and boob lift for practically free!  With this salt, I can continue to nourish MY passions:  travel, home improvement, writing and education while giving birth to new passions:  learning guitar, cooking, and fitness.  I am BLESSED!!!  Bring it!!!

One Less Moment...

Each day spent with her is one less day of you getting to know ME...
Each night spent in her arms is one less night holding ME...
Each morning you awake with her is one less that you spend with ME...
Each kiss you give to her is one less stolen from ME...
Each glance into her eyes is one less gaze at ME...
Each stroll in the garden with her is one less walk on the beach with ME...
Each thought of her is one less memory of ME...
Each fleeting second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year spent with her is one less moment in time with me...

Cajones or Cagada?: Herman Cain's proposal to fight illegal immigration with... - Topix

What if, Mr. Cain, we just send EVERYONE back where they came from? I, as well as my people, (MexiCANs) would still be here occupying America. And do you know why? Because WE were here way before Europeans invaded our space!! As a man of color, you should be especially sensitive to the plight of "illegal" immigrants. Perhaps you should manifest your own destiny and find another day job... just sayin'!

Herman Cain's proposal to fight illegal immigration with... - Topix

Chocolate and Toast

I have been fortunate enough in this lifetime to have been raised by not only my parents, but also by both sets of my grandparents and numerous extended family.  This is just one story about my mother's parents.

The town I hail from is so small, that as children, we could walk a half mile to the store and pick up groceries (beer and cigarettes included) for our grandparents with only a handwritten note.  I remember peeking over the counter and handing the clerk my grandmother's list which always included an ice cream for me and my brother.  We never had to pay.  It was magically collected for us and put on their "tab".

Even though as young children we felt pretty special going into that tiny market and always leaving with an ice cream, we were completely in the dark on how poverty stricken the family was.  In fact, not until I was much older, did I understand the depth.

Most, if not all, family gatherings center around food.  It is like this in so many cultures, but I think even more so in the Mexican culture.  So naturally, being poor was never in our parameter of thought, given the healthy abundance of food that was readily available to us.  And boy did we have thee best, most flavorful foods.  Or so we believed as kids...  but even now as I reminisce, what I wouldn't give for some of that flavor!

The most memorable breakfasts that my grandmother made us in that time of poverty were avena (oatmeal) or cream of wheat with toast, and once in a while we'd get chorizo con huevos (eggs with chorizo sausage) and tortillas.  Once when we were very young, we saw a cereal commercial and begged our grandmother for some.  "Why do you want that?" she'd ask in Spanish (She didn't have a command of the English language and felt most comfortable with her native language.  In fact, Spanish was the first language that my brother and I learned, as my grandparents cared for us before we started school, while our parents worked.)  "The cereal I make for you is much better.  It's warm."  We were raised to ALWAYS respect our elders, so we never questioned or pressed the issue.  But, we always got excited to watch those cereal commercials and darned if we didn't know all the jingles!

Other "creative" poor foods that originated in Mexico that we relished, included:  beans, rice, and nopales (cactus).  My Grandfather was well known for his garden--a natural green thumb and genius grafter.  And anyone who visited ALWAYS got a complementary tour of it (whether or not they wanted it).  He had rows of corn, several varieties of tomatoes, squash and melons.  And the trees!  It was a garden of eden with trees of olives, guava, cumquat, pomegranate, pear, lime, orange, tangerine, grapefruit, lemon and avocado.  And his entire garden was edged with nopales with the coveted tunas (prickly pears).  No lies, my grandfather even grafted a tree that produced 7 citrus fruits!  Grapefruit, pink grapefruit, oranges, blood oranges, lemons, limes, and tangerines.  It still stands today.  He even made his own compost, cured his own olives and irrigated with a system he created that used stored up rainwater.  My grandmother made some of the tastiest aquas frescas with these ingredients!  Aguas frescas are water sweetened with sugar, fruits and vegetables.  (My favorite included cucumber, orange and lettuce.)

What kid in their right mind would think they were poor with this abundance in front of them?  So when my grandmother introduced chocolate and toast one morning, at first glance, it was breakfast without the avena or cream of wheat.  But Grandma showed us how we could 'dip' our toast into our cup to soak up the chocolate!  It seemed exotic--something different; new.  We (my brother and I), fell for it instantly.   It was served so often that even when times took a turn for the better and we were given a choice of eggs or avena, we still craved chocolate and toast.  It became a childhood favorite.

Once we 'grew up', we stopped requesting it and just as suddenly as it appeared, it became obsolete.  Years passed before it made a reappearance...  I was taking care of my nephews one day a few summers ago.  They really wanted avena and toast, but we were all out of the oats.  In fact, the pantry and fridge were bare, except for about a 1/2 gallon of milk and a loaf of bread in the freezer.  I had almost resigned to the fact I'd have to get them dressed and take them to IHOP or McDonalds for something, when it hit me...  "chocolate & toast!"  "Huh?" said the older of my two nephews.  "How about some chocolate and toast?!"  "But what are we gonna have with our toast?"  he asked.  I said, "No.  You dip the toast in your hot chocolate.  It's yummy!"  "Sounds gross..." and "Ewww..." were their responses.  "Well, there's nothing else to eat as you can see, so that's what I'm gonna have.  You guys can wait till I go to the store, or you can eat with me."  Still reluctant, they watched me warm the milk for my chocolate and toast the bread.  Then, I dipped my toast.  The memories flooded back, as I took that much anticipated bite, and the huge smile on my face was enough to warrant curiosity from both boys.  They asked, almost in unison if they could try.  "Sure!" I said.  And once again, just like that, Chocolate & Toast became a childhood 'favorite' for a new generation.

For Baby By John Denver (Father's day)

Philosophy of Life (A Posthumous Reflection)

I believe deeply in fate.  For this reason, I am posting a paper written by my father over 50 years ago.  I don't think it was accidental that I happened upon this particular paper when I did.  Here is why...  today I had a conversation with a friend about my musings & meanings.  He complemented me on my knack for insightful writing.  I proceeded to tell him that my H.S. teachers must have liked my writing too, as they never returned my graded work, yet I always got A's.  
So later in the evening, when I pulled an envelope out of a box of papers (I have been rummaging through box after box for the past several weeks while moving into my new home), that contained 5 faded  pages of handwritten blue ink with the title "Philosophy of Life" and my dad's name in the upper right hand corner, I literally began to sob.  You see, my father died 18 years ago.  Since his death, not a day goes by that I don't think of him and how he has inspired me to be the person I am today, and to not accept less than I deserve in a man.  I can only be thankful that one of his H.S. teachers actually returned his paper (with comments included), so that I might happen upon it at the exact time that I needed his words of wisdom.  
Once I was all cried out, I scraped myself off my bedroom floor.  Then I prepared a bath so I could regain myself enough to post this blog.  But it seems my dad wasn't done letting me know that he is always with me... for as I sank into my warm bubbly bath, the music (I always listen to music while I bathe) changed.  "For Baby" by John Denver (one of my dad's favorite artists) began to play.  Of almost 2,000 songs on my iPod, that song popped up...  again the tears streamed.  And finally, after a few more hours of reflection, my dad's words, his actual thoughts as a young man with a full life ahead of him:

Philosophy of Life

     I believe that the purpose of life is to live and survive.  All forms of life go through life cycles.  The basic plan is:  birth, maturing, mating, and reproducing, and death.  The purpose for human life is for each individual to fulfill his life cycle.  This involves proper maturing to the fully developed adult.  Your life is like a pine tree.  The tree will grow straight, unless something harmful causes it to warp.  So does the human being.  You must have the ability to enjoy responsibility.  If the world were made up of mostly mature persons--loving, responsible, productive towards family, friends and the world--most of our human problems would be solved.  Most people have had something warp their development in their childhood.  So as adults, they do not know their place in life.  They feel inferior, frustrated, insecure, and anxious.  And they react to these inner feelings just as any animal reacts to any hurt or threat:  by being ready to fight or flee.  Flight takes them into alcoholism and other mental disorders.  Fight causes them to go into crime, cruelty, and war.  This is the basic problem of human life--for in the form of war, it now threatens to extinguish us.

     When I catch myself starting a thought that will produce a stressing emotion like worry, anxiety, fear, apprehension, discouragement, or the like, I will try to stop it, and substitute thinking that brings a healthy emotion, like equanimity, resignation, courage, determination, and cheerfulness.  I will try to carry this idea every minute of every day.  I am going keep my attitude and thinking calm, and cheerful.  I will try to handle my life this way:  When the going is good, I will tell myself life is good, and allow myself the delightful feeling of being happy.  When the going is rough, I will stay outwardly as cheerful and as pleasant as I possibly can.  Lighten and awkward situation with a lift of humor, with kindness, or a bit of a smile.  I will avoid running any misfortunes through my mind like a repeating phonograph record.  Above all, I will not let myself get irritated, upset, hysterical, or self-pitying.  I will try to turn defeat into a moral victory.  This is the way I would define the words I used before:  Equanimity ("Let's stay calm"); Courage ("I can take all this and more"); Determination ("I will turn this defeat into victory"); Cheerfulness ("See, I'm coming up."); Pleasantness ("I still have good will toward man")

     I think that these are important areas in living to watch:  Keep life simple; avoid watching for a knock in my motor; like work; have a good hobby; learn to be satisfied; like people; say the cheerful, pleasant thing; turn defeat into victory; meet my problems with decision; concentrate on making the present moment an emotional success; always be planning something; say "nuts" to irritations.

     I will try to put these things into the family:  Simplicity in living and enjoyment; the idea of the family enterprise; the idea that the family is part of the human enterprise; the attitude of turning defeat into victory; an atmosphere of affection; mutual respect and regard; a general tone of kindly cheerfulness; reasonable, firm, yet pleasant discipline; a feeling of mutual confidence and security; and an atmosphere of enjoyment.  While I am unmarried, I will submit my energies into interesting, absorbing, and vigorous activities, and develop my general maturity.  When I get married, every relation between my wife and I need to be mature, that is to say sympathetic, understanding, unselfish, cooperative, and affectionate.  In any case, I must be content to keep sexuality within the acceptable bounds.  It is easier to stay out of trouble than get out once you get into it.  

     This is how I will try to fill my own basic needs:  If I lack love and affection from others--I will give more than my share of love and affection to other people;  If I lack security--There is no use adding worry to a bad situation;  If I lack creative expression--Go to it, nothing is holding me; If I lack recognition--give recognition to other people instead, some of it will come back;  If I need new experiences--Go out and get them, be planning something all the time; When I have lost my self-esteem--I will remember this:  I am as good as you are; you and I are as good as they are, God bless them.

     I believe that by following this blueprint, I will develop maturity and emotional stasis.  This is what maturity means to me:  Responsibility and independence instead of dependence.  A giving rather than receiving attitude.  Cooperativeness and a feeling for the human enterprise, instead of egotism and competitiveness;  Gentleness, kindness, and good-will, instead of hostile aggressiveness, anger, hate, cruelty and belligerence.  The ability to distinguish between fact and fantasy.  This is my philosophy of life.

* "Jim, you are a young man who has real ability, as this paper shows.  You have good ideals of conduct and excellent ability.  I wish you well." 

(*signed by his instructor)

Thank you daddy for your affirming words and wisdom.  You remained true to your philosophy in your daily life with my mother, your children and extended family.  Children learn what they live and you showed us all how its done.