You grew up in a musical family and lost your way, but are now blazing a path back to your musical heritage. Well that is kind of the way I feel about my life's journey... only Mother Nature has done everything to break me down, and she's an unforgiving Biotch! Must keep writing... how else will anyone know I was here?
Each culture has its own identity. Mine is rooted in my Mexican-American heritage: second generation Chicana on my mom's side; third generation Chicana on my dad's side. Within the culture are a set of values which is the corazon (heart) and a code of honor which is the alma (soul) of our very proud culture. Familia is at the center of it all.
My family comes from a very poor country. That third world background followed my grandparents (on my mom's side) to California, but as poor as they (we) were financially, we always felt blessed. We carried the wealth of la familia for all to see. You see wealth in Mexico isn't measured by pesos or dollars, but rather by a very large family. Families with several children were considered rich.
A large family is the heart of our (my) identity. So after growing up with my grandmother who had 8 children, with the only man she ever loved; and another grandmother who was the oldest of 13 children, married to my grandfather--the only man she's ever loved (also the oldest of 13) going on 70 years; and growing up the oldest of 5 in a family where my dad was the only one my mom ever loved (even after his death), is it any wonder that I'm so heartbroken that I will never reach my true wealth?
In retrospect, I think the loyalty and devotion to their men that the women in my life modeled for me, has actually skewed my view of relationships. In my world, a woman's role is to love and honor one man, dote on him and raise his children with that same love and devotion. Its what I have etched in my memory and what was likely etched into the female ancestors that preceded my grandmothers. One big happy, loving, family. Coming to the realization that most of American society views this as backward-thinking is a tough pill to swallow.
How at this stage in my Chicanisma life do I learn to love more than one man; how to go through my life alone--without children and grandchildren to share my family values with?
Grandparents are the soul of the Mexican family. It is an honor to have them in our lives. Nursing homes are NEVER thought of and placing our parents or grandparents in such a home would bring shame upon our family. Our elders are our whole reason for existence and our pay in return is to care for them in their old age as they cared for us in our youth. It is a privilege to care for them. It completes the Circle of Life...
To know that I won't have children or grandchildren to care for me or even visit me is yet another tough pill to swallow. Of course plenty of people give their 2 cents on how I should feel lucky that I can travel and enjoy my later years and not worry about the added stress or cost of a child. But honestly, those people just don't know. They--every last one of them, have children. Children that will care for them and visit them and love them forever.
How at this stage in my Chicanisma life do I learn to accept a future of loneliness in a home where no one will likely care, let alone visit?
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