Why I Chose You...

This is actually a love letter I wrote to Derrick (my first love) when he was overseas in Kuwait.  I never sent it to him.  I would have sent it as part of my memoirs to my ex, but I knew he would just become enraged with jealousy, so I have held onto it in it's original paper version, of course.  I have never shared the info. in this letter with another soul--not even my BFF, not even Derrick.  My ex knows the background, but not the details.  My BFF and Derrick are still in the dark.  Babe, I have NEVER known another soul like yours.  I am honored that it is you to help me "get my groove back" (haha)  This may explain some of my past insecurities with the men in my life... why I chose men that were either physically or emotionally unavailable for me.  Perhaps why I didn't feel worthy of happiness with you or anyone for so long.  Now that I am older and wiser, I get it.  And like I said before, if I would have known then, what I know now, we would have been together this entire time.  But as we both know, life is one journey after another.  This is one of the darker ones.  Now that another soul knows these details, I can burn this 'hard copy' version--what a burden has been lifted...


Dear Derrick,

It was nice to hear from you...  not a day goes by that I don't think of you and all the troops.  I sent the care package you asked for.  By the way, I draw the line at sending LEGAL drugs!  So if the package passes inspection, you'll find a bottle of vodka stashed in that Easter basket amid the plastic grass & chocolate kisses.  You'll have to wait for the Cali green until you get home.  I don't want the government snoopin' around me now!  If they actually read this, then they're about to get an earful... and they should let you get your drink on, cause you are gonna need it!

On a serious note, my love, I feel its time to tell you why I chose you to be my first, and more importantly why I didn't tell you that I was a virgin.  I appreciate that you said you would have "taken better care" of me if you'd known it was my first time, but at the time...  I just couldn't tell you...  And even though we started off with some freaky, crazy lovin', we also had so many tender, special moments where I knew I was loved.

Statistics say that 1 in 3 women are the victims of rape.  If that statistic is true, then I am happy that I have taken some of the probability out of the equation for my sisters.  Yes.  You read that last sentence right.  About 9 mos. before we met, I was at a house party with my girls in S.P.  We were drinkin' like nobody's business.  Deg, you know how I speak spanish when I'm drunk?  Well I was so drunk that I was going off at these 'Sanchos' that were gawking at me & my girls.  And I did so in the mother tongue.  Even my girls were impressed by my spanish skills.  So now you know just how drunk I was (which is one reason I never told a soul-- 'til now, of course).  A 'friend' from VC saw me @ the party, and before I knew what was going on, he was taking me to his 'friend's' house to get a jacket for me...  I tried fighting him off, but he's an athlete and I was so fucking drunk, I also suspect he may have added something to my drink, cause my fight or flight is pretty impressive, as you know.

Baby, I was--still am so ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, hurt, you name it!  But when I met you, I saw how sweet and honest you were.  I imagined myself with someone like you.  What it would be like to be loved by you.  I was not disappointed!  You made me feel sexy and special which was something I had never felt before.  So although a technicality stood between you being labeled as my "first", In my mind, I blocked my actual first encounter, and made you my reality.  Mostly because you were real and my feelings for you were and still are very real.  Boy that Psych. 101 with Smith was no joke!  Did you ever have him?  PTS is what they call it--(Post Traumatic Stress), when you experience something so terrible, that your mind finds a happier place to make you forget the reality.  I imagine that you may also experience PTS in the situation you are in now.  I pray that you don't, but I watch the news every night and it just seems so intense.  In any case, You were my first because I chose You. That's my reality and I'm sticking to it.

I had to drop Smith's class after only 3 weeks, cause I'm helping to care for my grandmother 2 days out of the week. I miss the class, but I wouldn't miss this time with her for anything.  I know there is nothing you wouldn't do for your grandmother too.  I can't wait to meet her.  Well, my love, please promise me you will stay safe and when you're lonely, remember how much you are loved and missed.  Just Get Here!

Love,

~K