It's about time for another memoir entry. Time to release another of my deep, dark secrets that has haunted me for so long. During my "epiphany" about a year & a half ago, I came to terms with it and I am good now. But the journey to absolution was rough on my mind, body & soul...
Back in 1990, after having dated my ex for 3 mos., I became pregnant. Although my ex and I both wanted children and marriage down the line, neither of us was financially ready for a child. I was a 21 year-old nanny & part-time student, helping to care for my ailing grandmother. He was the star running back for the local JC with hopes of playing college ball and very little support from home. I loved him and didn't want to let him down. I didn't want to be the one to squash his dreams. The truth is, I really wanted that child. Having grown up in a loving family with aunts, uncles and cousins galore, I knew that money wasn't an issue. My grandparents raised 8 children during times of extreme poverty, Mexican families pride themselves on their large, loving families. In fact, I always wanted at least 4 kids of my own one day. But my ex was very convincing in making me see that we should wait for a time when we could both enjoy our family; after we were married and financially secure. And so that is how I made the decision that ultimately cost me my soul (or so I believed for so many years...).
A couple of years after terminating that pregnancy, I learned something that devastated me even further. I should have left him then, and I actually did for a couple of weeks, but he knew how much I loved him and he used that knowledge to lure me back. What exactly did 'he' do? He "staged" a cowardly trap for me to fall into, that would "out" his 'skeleton', while I was left to deal with the dilemma: face his skeleton at the expense of my own moral dignity OR ignore the obvious in front of me and let him slide by unscathed. I chose to leave my dignity at the door and grip that skeleton by the horns.
So this man that supposedly loved me, apparently had a girlfriend back home in Ohio. The way I found out? One unsuspecting day, I noticed a couple of framed pictures on his dresser that were never there before. One was of a girl (about our age--pretty). And the other was of a toddler (spitting image of him). So naturally, I inquired about them. His response, "That's my sister and my niece". I would have accepted that answer, had "his sister" not been wearing a sexy skirt and a pose to match. Plus, she surely didn't look anything like him, yet her daughter did. I began to probe and he got angry and defensive and said, "I told you who that is and that's all I'm going to say about it any more." So while he was in the shower, I carefully took the pics out of the frames, starting with his "sis"... --only a heart on the back with the initials T.C.-- I knew that his sis' initials were VDM; my instincts were spot on. Didn't need to look at the other pic, and probably should have spared my already shattered heart, but I had to... the back read, "Daddy, Mommy and I miss you very much!... KaNisha"...
What was I going to do? How would I approach this situation? I had an exam that day and didn't need an emotional break down, so I decided not to say anything about it until I had a chance to think about my plan of action. I played it cool. We drove to school in silence. When we got there, he said he forgot his playbook and would I mind going back to get it since my exam wasn't for another hour. As he was handing me his keys, it hit me that it was his plan all along! The coward was setting me up to commit the immoral act of snooping, by handing me his keys and telling me his playbook was in his closet (how appropriate). He wanted me to know the truth, cause he was so much more involved than he ever thought he would be, and me finding out this way would lessen the fact that he is a Class A ass hole! I wish I'd had the courage to destroy his playbook, but that kind of hatred was never a part of me, so instead, when I pulled up to meet him, I threw it out the window at him and took off.
When my heart stopped pounding and I had a minute to compose myself, a flood of visions and thoughts poured through my psyche: While I was committing the most unspeakable crime of aborting our child, he had a newborn at home; My grandmother, whom I was extremely close with had just passed and would never know my child, her great-grandchild! Yet again, I was the victim. Alone with my torturous memories of the past several years. After walking around in a daze for two weeks, with 'him' following me like a puppy... he professing his love, saying that he was gonna tell me; and that he didn't know his ex was pregnant when he left to come out here; she still loved him, but he didn't love her; blah, blah, blah... I surrendered. I wasn't worthy of true happiness. I was a bad, bad person. No one will ever want me. So, I gave in, because this boy wanted me at the time.
Over the years, I began to believe that my punishment for my dirty little secrets was a lifetime of penance. My penance for allowing someone to take my virginity would be a lifetime of loneliness. Derrick left. Will left. My dad left. You left. So when my ex came back with his long distance pitch, I bought into it--we can see each other twice a year, three times if we're financially able to. I had some hope that he'd marry me and move out here, but I also knew that I was being punished in this lifetime for my past sins, and he very well could be leading me further into the abyss. It didn't matter, he was willing to love me from afar. My penance for sacrificing my child would be a life without children of my own. Loving him from afar would guarantee me a life void of children. So I filled my life with the one thing I wanted most and became a teacher. I took on the dutiful godmother role with my nephew J.J., and kept on trudging through my lonely life...
Every now and then the fates would pour salt on my wounds... One night (the first weekend that I moved into the home of the family I nannied for) Charles handed me the keys to his '86 candy blue, t-topped corvette. My BFF and I went out to a club in T.O., I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. We are dancing, enjoying ourselves and on a side trip to the restroom, this guy blocks my path, pulls me close to him and half whispers, half slurs into my ear, "hey, remember when I raped you?" I was so shook up. I faked illness just to get out of there. Years later, while visiting my little sis in Vegas, her fiance got us tix to see the local semi pro baseball team. We were enjoying the warm evening and at the exact same time I see his picture in the program, the announcer announces the starting line-up... "catching.... number... Brent..." It's that bastard again! The worst part was that I had no choice but to sit through that damn game.
I got another dose of salt when I learned that my dad was gravely ill. He asked his doctor to give it to him straight and please not sugar coat his prognosis. The doctor told him, "Jim, at this rate, you won't live to see your grandkids." I was emotionally torn apart again, knowing that I deprived my dad of knowing his grandchild! Then there was the time that I was with some friends and we were discussing sex ed in schools. One friend who is the parent of 2 boys said she and two other parents made the decision to ban sex ed since they were the only ones at that meeting. I interjected and said, "wow. Do you think that was a good idea? I know we were grateful that J.J. got it in school." She responded with, "but K, you're not a parent. Its different when its your own kid." Ouch! fortunately, my cousin and my BFF chimed in and reminded her that I was like a mom to J.J., but it didn't take the pain away.
I went to a psychic once. I knew she was the real deal when she read my cards and expressed her sympathy at the loss of my father. Then she added, "it was a boy." I was thinking about the baby and how if she knew about my dad, she should know what I would have had. It surprised me when she just blurted that out and I answered, "excuse me?" she said, "the child was a boy. he's fine." I must have started crying, cause she handed me a tissue. That 1/2 hour session revealed the following predictions... I would find happiness with a man that was tall and of dark complexion; I would live by or near water; and she saw 4 boys surrounding me. I have the cassette taped recording of the session somewhere as proof of her accuracy. Every now and then I would think of the psychic predictions... Will is tall, dark and he lives near water. But I will not move out of Cali! I have 4 nephews, could they be the 4 boys in my life?...
Fast forward to about a year and a half ago: I hit a point where I felt out of control. I was in a state of depression. I hated my life. Then I had my "epiphany". It was my great aunt's funeral. Seeing my grandfather's stoic composure, knowing the hardships he's faced in his 90 plus years. I'm only 41, not even half his age!, I remember thinking. I have no business feeling sorry for myself or tossing in the towel on my life--my destiny!! All of a sudden, I felt this warmth and sense of self! I looked around me and saw the faces of my family members, many that I knew and some that I didn't. I wanted to know more about them! I spied a blue jay sitting on the barbed wire fence, watching the solemn memorial taking place and immediately knew my dad was there. (the blue jay pops up a lot when I think of my dad, or ask for a sign that he is around). Everything I wanted was within me. If I wanted a child, I could have a child! And more importantly, if I didn't or couldn't have a child, I would be OK! I have family that loves me! I have a job that is rewarding in so many ways! I have been fortunate to be able to travel, I could continue to travel! Its not too late for me to fall in love and get married--my godmother found the love of her life when she was 40 and got married when she was my age!
Ever since that day, I have had a lighter heart. I realize that all of the skeletons in my past have been weighing me down. I need to forgive myself and move on. I told my ex that I loved him, but I love myself just a little bit more, so I was officially calling it off between the two of us. We can be the friends we are, but as soon as another man's face began to replace his in my thoughts and dreams, I would be moving on. I began looking into artificial insemination and even dropped my HMO and picked up a PPO, so that I could have more options medically available. I stopped taking any and all medications and since my main one was thyroid replacement, I knew I'd have to begin exercising and watching what I ate even more so. I figured I would begin to lose more hair, so I started letting it grow out. I was so stressed at school, so I decided to drop my after school tutoring job after 11 years, even though it meant $300-$500 less a month. The results of this most recent journey? At 43, I am the happiest I have been since H.S.! This past Thanksgiving, I felt this sense of peace that I haven't felt in some time. I knew that great things were just around the corner. That was Nov. 25th. Since then, I have reconnected with my first love, professed my love to a man that is worthy of my love and who's love I feel worthy of, discovered that my true cosmic mission is that of a healer, and I put myself above all else by proclaiming this the "Year of Me"!
